Fighting over a man? Hard pass
Fighting over a man? Hard pass
The Cardi B logic I agreed with in my 20s but not beyond
An athlete was drunk at a party and started rambling on about who in our social circle had had sex. I wasn’t at that party. When a college friend told me what happened the next day, I sat down on my dorm bed and thought, “Wait, am I the accidental other woman?”
Never in my life did I think I’d be an “other,” but the two people who the diarrhea-of-the-mouth athlete was talking about were another friend of mine and a guy I had recently started dating. Had I known that, I’d have never dated this guy. I was confused. Why wouldn’t my own friend tell me that so I could keep my distance?
I immediately reached out to her to have a conversation, and she looked me right in my face and said nothing ever happened. She told me the drunk guy at the party was lying. I breathed a sigh of relief. OK, cool, I wasn’t taking anybody’s leftovers. I smiled. An hour or so later, I called my “guy” to mention his drunk “friend” at the party. I asked him if he and my friend fooled around and 99.9% expected him to shrug it off too.
Long pause. “That’s personal.”
My jaw dropped — at both the audacity of the guy I was currently dating telling me “that’s personal” and semi-respecting that he didn’t lie. I repeated my question again. He admitted they “almost” slept together.
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A group of us (three women, two men) had been hanging out a few weeks before. After a while — and a saucy game of Spin the Bottle — I went to my room alone and fell asleep. I had no idea that he and his friend did not leave. Instead, one of my homegirls slept with the second guy and my guy fooled around with the other friend.
This would’ve been no big deal to me. Let college kids be college kids. I just didn’t understand why he pursued me after he pursued her, and she said nothing. (She had a boyfriend, by the way, so she was clearly on the losing end of this. I understood why she wouldn’t tell her boyfriend. I just didn’t get why she wouldn’t tell me.)
I was both hurt and mad because this meant my friend lied right in my face while this random guy respected me enough to tell me the truth. It made me side-eye her. A couple of days later, I was standing outside talking to a few other college buddies when he showed up. He wanted to talk to her and me.
I was still really irritated that she lied. Blind stupidity made me decide I wanted to fight my own friend for her dishonesty. The two of us walked upstairs, and it ended up being an entire episode of me screaming, “If you bout it, then let’s fight. Cause I can have him regardless.”
Absolutely ridiculous. I could muff myself right in the mouth for being this territorial. While I had a valid reason for being upset about her lying, I’d turned this entire fight into a dispute about a guy.
Interestingly, at that age, I would’ve totally agreed with Cardi B about fighting over a man.
Then I was about to turn 30 and didn’t give a damn
Kelly Rowland once did an interview and talked about how she’d stop doing stupid things from her 20s when she turned 30. That same switch went off for me — or maybe I was so freaking happy to be in Maui that absolutely nothing could’ve upset me. Things (and people) who were a big deal to me in my 20s just didn’t make that much of an impact at 30.
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I still understood where Cardi B was coming from with wanting to protect someone who you love (or just like a lot) and are in an intimate relationship with. But 20-something Shamontiel was exhausted. It takes too much effort to try to force relationships, friendships, jobs, etc. If it ain’t working, it ain’t working. Move on.
I knew I’d officially hit the switch right before I turned 30. I invited my boyfriend (another guy) to a company party. It was a huge event that included an awards show and a big speech, the latter of which I got talked into giving without any warning ahead of time. While I was at the event, I thought my co-workers were being kinda stiff when the music turned on. I am not a wallflower. Neither was my man. We heard a song we both liked, jumped up and started dancing near our table. We didn’t care who was watching. We were just doing our thing.
Eventually, a few other women co-workers pulled their husbands and boyfriends up and danced right along with us. It was a good time. Shortly afterward, the music guest got onstage to perform. More people hit the dance floor. I had to go to the restroom and quietly dipped out. My boyfriend was still dancing and singing along to a song from the star performer.
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After exiting the restroom, I stopped to chat with a few people in the lobby area and took my time getting back to the main ballroom. When I came back, my boyfriend was still grooving to the song and in his own little world. I joined him and started dancing with him again.
About an hour later (and a zillion “couple” photos), we left. As we headed out the door and walked toward the el train station to head to my house, he randomly mentioned how a woman walked over to him to ask if he was a rapper. She said he had an “artist-like look.” He responded to her question. Then she handed him her phone number and told him to give her a call.